This is a continuation from a post that leaves off from here.
I left his office that day without plans on going back to see him (well, that is the last of the conversation I am able to remember)…obviously that plan didn’t stick and somehow changed because I continued to see him. I have a hard time remembering all of the events and the order in which they took place, so I decided to read through all of my old text messages and emails in hopes they would help to jog my memory.
My texts helped me to remember later on that night (the same day I left with plans of not going back) he sent me a few text messages and we then proceeded to have a conversation. It was this message in particular that greatly influenced my continuing to see him:
“Knowing what I know about my responsibility to you, I would have trouble sleeping at night if we quit working. Let’s keep working for the time being. Trust me on this one….let me do what I can to relieve my concern for you”.
He also proceeded to tell me when I met with him again he had three promises to give me that would help protect me and ensure my safety.
As I look back, I can remember feeling guilty thinking that he wouldn’t be able to sleep if I stopped seeing him and he would constantly be in a state of worry. I wanted to help make his life easier and not harder, especially because he had already put so much of his time and energy into helping me. I felt I overreacted and took what he was saying out of context because he genuinely had my best interest at heart. He cared about me and my well being and I obviously was projecting my past life experiences with men onto him…he wasn’t like my grandfather, father, uncles or cousin.
B, wasn’t like those men.
He was an answer to my prayers. I needed to trust the process, push myself out of my comfort zone and give him a chance to help if I was going to heal. I felt like such a piece of shit for jumping to conclusions and labeling him as unsafe. He was a good, honest man and I had judged him wrongfully.
How awful was I?
I sit here typing, remembering this day as all the feelings come rushing back to me.
I feel little.
In this very moment, I am regressing emotionally. I am a bad little girl for doing something wrong and making him upset with me. I need to fix this problem I created. I need to make him happy so I can be good. I want to be good and not bad.
Hmm, interesting…until now, I hadn’t remembered emotionally regressing to such a young age. Is this even possible for me to remember?
When I met with him for our next appointment he gave me the three promises (he texted me them during the session, so I would always have the promises with me for a reminder):
1. I accept you. All of you. Completely. There is nothing that has happened, or will happen. There is nothing you have done or will do that will be judged by me.
2. My love for you will remain pure. I will have no thoughts of you, I will not touch you in a sexual way. There is no expectation that my love for you will be reciprocated. The love is unconditional.
3. I promise I will do all in my power to heal you mentally, spiritually and physically. You will be prepared to marry a man suitable for you and have a family.
These promises helped me feel secure, safe and loved by him. Not only loved, but loved in the purest form. Love from God. These promises touched me deeply.
He meant what he said. He was going to help me so I would be prepared for when the time came to fulfill one of my most earnest desires, to have a family. These promises helped me to open up so many new levels of myself to him. It was also this same day he shared a beautiful, metaphorical story with me about a fish and a bird. The bird was a representation of myself and the fish, him. Maybe I will share the story on here one day, but it is still very sentimental to me and something I hold particularly close to my heart.
He caressed my hair again this day; however, it felt good. It felt right and safe. I trusted him and I was so grateful to him for all he was giving me. He also gave me a hug at the end of a session and a kiss on the forehead. I left feeling renewed, reassured, special and cared for. I no longer held uneasy feelings about our therapeutic relationship. Not only did my trust in him continue to grow, but I also was becoming more attached to B.
Today while I was reading through our text messages, I was able to see he encouraged the attachment and even a dependency towards him.
In the beginning he initiated a lot of our texting conversations, but encouraged me to text him more and reach out. I feel ashamed to admit this, but I did start to text him more. Soon I was initiating most of our conversations.
I don’t remember how long it took, but he began to hold be during sessions. First it was longer hugs which then turned into him holding me while he sat on the couch. We would sometimes sit on the floor against the couch, with him behind me with his arms wrapped around me. He would give me small kisses on my temples, cheeks, the back of my neck. I enjoyed it. It was complete bliss to me. Sometimes his hand would accidentally brush against my breasts and it didn’t bother me. I hadn’t ever felt so safe with a man before. Actually, I had never felt this safe with another person before.
Soon he was constantly in my thoughts. He was in my thoughts as a close friend who I was able to see once or twice a week, not as a person I thought of sexually. He was someone who I depended on and brought me feelings of happiness and acceptance.
Still more to come…
Image Credit: National Geographic