This blog entry continues from here. This is the day I felt things quickly shift in a different direction.
Soon after the hugs began, the holding of hands (for energy work) started to take up the 
majority of the session and we talked about what was happening in my internal world less. There is a moment in particular that stands out to me the most; he had just finished with the energy stuff and was just sitting completely still in his chair. The silence seemed to go on forever (it was probably only a minute at the most) when he looked at me with tears pouring down his face and said, “Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell the difference between my love for you and God’s love for you.” I didn’t have any words, thanked him and then left.
He opened the next session with, “I was hoping you could help me with something. Last week I felt the purest love I have ever felt before; I was wondering if you knew what it was about? Where it is coming from?”
This took me off guard and I slowly shook my head in a ‘no’ motion while staring at him.
“I have told you I love you as a daughter or a sister, but I was only trying to convince myself that was the way in which I love you. I have been trying to convince myself for some time, but I cannot lie to you, myself or God any longer. If I were to meet with any other psychotherapist, they would tell me I need to terminate with you.”
“I understand, do you have referrals?”
“I only said this is what they would tell me to do. I promised you I am in this with you until the end and I still am. Others won’t and can’t understand this. This is pure and good; it comes from God. I have conversed with him and this love is one of the ways in which He will allow me to heal you.”
I continued to stare at him in silence.
“Do you know what I have wanted to do all week?”
Again, I shook my head in a ‘no’ motion, while I attempted to swallow the huge lump that had formed in my throat. My face felt hot and I could feel myself starting to drift as the room became blurry.
“Play with your hair. I have wanted nothing more than to run my hands through your hair and take in your scent.”
Oh God, please no…please, please, please….no, this can’t be happening…please
He moved closer to me as I sat frozen. He began to stroke my hair and face. He grabbed my hands and kissed them. I was trying my best to stay present…I was telling myself that it wasn’t happening. It wasn’t real. I am unsure of what he saw in my face and body language but I remember him whispering into my ear, “This is okay; we are allowed to do this. Father opened the door for me to love you like this. It is pure love, it is not sexual. This is pure and good.”
I finally gained enough courage to tell him I couldn’t see him anymore. He was kind and told me he understood. He also reminded me that he was the only one who was willing to help me and he worried if I didn’t come back that I wouldn’t be alive for much longer. He also explained that he was extremely confident that he was the only one who could heal me, especially after the discussion he had with the Lord. He let me know that even though I didn’t wish to see him anymore that he would keep our appointment open for the beginning of next week in case I came to my senses.
Again, he buried his face into my hair and explained to me this was pure love from God. I am unsure of how long this went on and I don’t remember leaving his office that day. It’s all still kind of a blur and the feelings are disconnected.
I will continue more with my next post…
Image credit: National Geographic
Waking Sleeping Dogs 
